So I spent last night sewing dozens of sequins on to my top (at least they give you spare ones) as many had fallen off and the rest looked like they were about to. In fact when I touched some of them they fell of! I've only worn the top about 3 times and always hand washed it and I like it so I don't want to look like a skank lol. Pft, it was NOT a fun job. My fingers hurt with the amount of times I stabbed myself with the needle.
Then last weekend the button on my man's shirt fell off (no, not Martin's shirt, the ladies shirt I have that is meant to look like a mans shirt lol) and the rest were so badly sewn that I re-did them all! What do you expect from Primark though!
THEN today the button of my jumper fell off (Fat Face). I decided to sew it after my visitors left but after going to the loo the button fell off my trousers!!!!!!!!! And NO they are not too tight, they are brand new and NOT from Primark either but from Next!!!!
So why can't clothing companies sew buttons on better? Answers on a post card :-P
I demand better quality LOL!!!
Rant over LOL :-)
Sunday, 17 May 2009
Eurovision Ramblings!!!
So, on Saturday night, I find myself at a loose end (as usual lol) and end up watching Eurovision while sewing sequins on one of my tops as they kept falling off (you know, just in case Martin decides to put it in the washing machine like my last top which now has NO glitter on it lol.) Yes, I know, such an exciting life I lead. More on sewing later. So, I find my self sewing and watching Eurovision sober. Well, I can't drink and drive a needle, my fingers were already like pin cushions!!!
Anyways.... watching Eurovision sober is always a big mistake. This year however there was actually a lot less to critiscise and laugh at than usual! Now, firstly I am soooooo NOT a fan of Wogan but I find it very odd and not quite right that Graham Norton was hosting instead. It was overall a good show but some observations I would like to make! Here are my ramblings in no particular order:
Sweden, and you may have noticed my MSN status at some point said something like, 'I shall hunt you down and kill you if you vote for Sweden'. A tad extreme I know but man that woman just really hurt my ears!!!!! Nil pwah from me I think!!!
Then there was Albania. Hmmm who's idea was it to have those dancers? They were just weird (especially the thing in the blue) and somewhat scary. Another nil pwah from me!
I was quite impressed with the Icelandic act and aslo host country Russia. I thought it was quite simple and classy and the video of her ageing very gradually was quite cool. The song was a bit depressing though but in a kinda nice way.
Portugal's performance was very upbeat and very colourful, I felt like I had been transported back in time to the 60's or 70's?. I'm glad at this point I was sober or I'd have thought I was hallucinating!!! Shame they didn't do better!
I was completely put off by Romania's performance thanks to Graham hinting at cheating by having someone on stage in a corner doing nothing and insinuating that she was doing the real singing. The song was crap so wouldn't have voted anyway!
Norway was delightfully sweet and in my opinion a worthy winner! I think the simple and catchy tune helped make it so much easier to like. I can't get the tune of ouf my head now. I liked that he could fiddle quite well too! And he was cute so hey, I gave them 12 points (well, not actually cos I couldn't be bothered voting).
Then we wandered out of a beautiful fairy tale and errrr right into a brothel. Oh no, I'm so sorry, my mistake, it was just the act from Ukraine! Well, what could you say about a prostitute dancing with what looked like shiny silver Roman Centurions!!!! Pft, where is the class???? Nil pwah for you!
Which brings me to Germany. Not literally, although that would be nice! In a word ..... DESPERATE!!! Although, Dita Von Teese is much classier than the prostitute from Ukraine but still. As for the song, miss kiss bang? A five year old could have written better lyrics! Nein points for you (thats no in German, not nine lol).
Now moving from desperate to deceitful, despicable and down right disappointing. Yes, will all those D's surely you worked out that I meant Denmark. Firstly... Ronan what were you THINKING???????? Writing a song for Denmark to be sung by some poor unfortunate fool who sounded quite like you? Surely you should have been helping Ireland, who didn't qualify!!!! Shame on you, SHAME I say. You should be dragged out into the street and shot! Erm, you may have noticed that my msn changed from don't vote Sweden to don't vote Denmark or I'll hunt you down and kill you. Well, it was far more justified for Denmark than Sweden!!! More nil pwah.
The Spanish song was also not written by a Spaniard but written by a Finlander. Now correct me if I am wrong but isn't the point of Eurovision to highlight the talent (or lack of it) of the competing country? I think so!!! Instead they're showing off the writing talents of Finland. If people are going to use other country's singers/song writers etc, don't broadcast it to me, I can't stand it lol. Didn't like it anway so nil pwah for you! meh.
Armenia 's entry I found quite catchy however I had to go and look up NOR PAR because they said it so much not knowing what it was annoying me. I don't have OCD honest. Anyway, it means 'new dance'. I'm so relieved!
Malta were quite good, a beautiful song, beautifully sung, quite simple, no dancing silver Roman centurians to be found. The only thing I didn't like was Graham's comment about the singer 'She's quite friendly, I don't think theres been a malteser she didn't like'. Which was a dig at the lady's size. That wasn't very nice now was it Graham? Tsk tsk.
There were a few others that were quite good also. Moldova was traditional which is nice to see and Estonia were quite talented.
As for us? The UK? It was quite nice to be at the other end of the board for a change with some good scores! It was a good song and sung well, it deserved to do well. Certainly better than Jordan!!!!!!
So... What how do we top that for next year???? If you say Peter Andre, I WILL kill you. LOL :-P
Anyways.... watching Eurovision sober is always a big mistake. This year however there was actually a lot less to critiscise and laugh at than usual! Now, firstly I am soooooo NOT a fan of Wogan but I find it very odd and not quite right that Graham Norton was hosting instead. It was overall a good show but some observations I would like to make! Here are my ramblings in no particular order:
Sweden, and you may have noticed my MSN status at some point said something like, 'I shall hunt you down and kill you if you vote for Sweden'. A tad extreme I know but man that woman just really hurt my ears!!!!! Nil pwah from me I think!!!
Then there was Albania. Hmmm who's idea was it to have those dancers? They were just weird (especially the thing in the blue) and somewhat scary. Another nil pwah from me!
I was quite impressed with the Icelandic act and aslo host country Russia. I thought it was quite simple and classy and the video of her ageing very gradually was quite cool. The song was a bit depressing though but in a kinda nice way.
Portugal's performance was very upbeat and very colourful, I felt like I had been transported back in time to the 60's or 70's?. I'm glad at this point I was sober or I'd have thought I was hallucinating!!! Shame they didn't do better!
I was completely put off by Romania's performance thanks to Graham hinting at cheating by having someone on stage in a corner doing nothing and insinuating that she was doing the real singing. The song was crap so wouldn't have voted anyway!
Norway was delightfully sweet and in my opinion a worthy winner! I think the simple and catchy tune helped make it so much easier to like. I can't get the tune of ouf my head now. I liked that he could fiddle quite well too! And he was cute so hey, I gave them 12 points (well, not actually cos I couldn't be bothered voting).
Then we wandered out of a beautiful fairy tale and errrr right into a brothel. Oh no, I'm so sorry, my mistake, it was just the act from Ukraine! Well, what could you say about a prostitute dancing with what looked like shiny silver Roman Centurions!!!! Pft, where is the class???? Nil pwah for you!
Which brings me to Germany. Not literally, although that would be nice! In a word ..... DESPERATE!!! Although, Dita Von Teese is much classier than the prostitute from Ukraine but still. As for the song, miss kiss bang? A five year old could have written better lyrics! Nein points for you (thats no in German, not nine lol).
Now moving from desperate to deceitful, despicable and down right disappointing. Yes, will all those D's surely you worked out that I meant Denmark. Firstly... Ronan what were you THINKING???????? Writing a song for Denmark to be sung by some poor unfortunate fool who sounded quite like you? Surely you should have been helping Ireland, who didn't qualify!!!! Shame on you, SHAME I say. You should be dragged out into the street and shot! Erm, you may have noticed that my msn changed from don't vote Sweden to don't vote Denmark or I'll hunt you down and kill you. Well, it was far more justified for Denmark than Sweden!!! More nil pwah.
The Spanish song was also not written by a Spaniard but written by a Finlander. Now correct me if I am wrong but isn't the point of Eurovision to highlight the talent (or lack of it) of the competing country? I think so!!! Instead they're showing off the writing talents of Finland. If people are going to use other country's singers/song writers etc, don't broadcast it to me, I can't stand it lol. Didn't like it anway so nil pwah for you! meh.
Armenia 's entry I found quite catchy however I had to go and look up NOR PAR because they said it so much not knowing what it was annoying me. I don't have OCD honest. Anyway, it means 'new dance'. I'm so relieved!
Malta were quite good, a beautiful song, beautifully sung, quite simple, no dancing silver Roman centurians to be found. The only thing I didn't like was Graham's comment about the singer 'She's quite friendly, I don't think theres been a malteser she didn't like'. Which was a dig at the lady's size. That wasn't very nice now was it Graham? Tsk tsk.
There were a few others that were quite good also. Moldova was traditional which is nice to see and Estonia were quite talented.
As for us? The UK? It was quite nice to be at the other end of the board for a change with some good scores! It was a good song and sung well, it deserved to do well. Certainly better than Jordan!!!!!!
So... What how do we top that for next year???? If you say Peter Andre, I WILL kill you. LOL :-P
Sunday, 10 May 2009
Living together before marriage
Actually I do have something to say and I'm going to say it!!!!! So there lol.
OK, it's getting really close now to me being redundant (26th June) and moving down south to be with Martin. It's nail bitingly exciting and nerve racking stuff all at the same time. However it has NOT been easy and it is still proving difficult. I don't yet have a job to go to (and let me tell you it is not easy or fun in trying to find one!) and I'm getting a bit concerned. I want to put my redundancy money into the bank and use it for our wedding. Not that we are engaged YET but we are planning to get married. Taking redundancy was not an easy decision to make. It was one we deliberated over for months before the time slowly ebbed away and the pressure to make a decision was unavoidable. I COULD have stayed in the company doing something else, but that would not have made me happy. I COULD have found another job up here but also that would not have made me happy. I want to be with Martin, THAT will make me happy! I wonder if people understand how difficult it will be for me to leave my home and family, to leave everything that is familiar to me and start a new life hundreds of miles away. At times I feel selfish for wanting to leave but I also know it is the right decision.
So, as the time draws near, Martin and I are really struggling with the issue of living together before we are married. It is something that neither of us want but it seems like we may have very little choice. I will be keeping my flat going up here so it is not possible to rent somewhere for a while before we are married and Martin's parents are not keen on either of us living at theirs until we are married. So we find ourselves between a rock and a hard place.
Martin has been reading a lot recently about living together before marriage, looking for a definitive answer as to whether it is OK or not in the eyes of God. It seems clear to me that the only people who should be making this decision is US and we are both in agreement that we should not. It is something that is very important to us, something Martin was not sure was as important to me as it was to him. I think I have made it VERY clear that it is just as important and I hope he really does believe that. It is not something I am being pressured into at all and it is such a relief to have found someone who wants the same thing!
An article that Martin sent me speaks of how people want to try out marriage first by using cohabitation as an experiment to gauge how well they would get on and make sure it is the right decision first before committing to marriage. It likens the marriage ceremony to a confirmation and rightly so, that is all it seems to be because people will already have had the road test. That is essentially what it is, isn't it? It's like going to the car lot and taking the car that you have always wanted out for a test drive. What happens if you don't like the interior as much as the exterior? What happens if the brakes aren't as sharp as you expected them to be? Well, you don't HAVE to buy it, you can walk away!
It really saddens me that people do not have FAITH in their relationships, that they need PROOF before they will tie the knot! It seems people love each other enough to move in together but not enough to believe they are capable of domestic bliss without trying it out first. I don't believe that people have lost the capability to make a relationship work, but I believe they have lost the desire to. Relationships these days come and go as quickly as buses sometimes! I find myself not valuing the length of someones marriage until they reach their 40th wedding anniversary because by then, when you are THAT old, theres no point in getting a divorce!
Reading this article has not changed my opinion, merely strengthened it. I KNOW there will be days that I will want to strangle Martin for something as silly as using up the last of the milk or not putting the dishes in the sink, I KNOW that there will be times when I am grumpy and I will hurt his feelings without intending to do so. I KNOW there will be times that we will test each others patience and grate on each others nerves and need our own breathing space. BUT I also KNOW that there is no one on earth I would rather share these moments with, I KNOW that the good will out weigh the bad, I KNOW that I will be happier with Martin than with anyone else, happier than being alone. I KNOW that I will never love anyone more than I love Martin. I KNOW that no one can make me feel as loved or as special as he does. I KNOW that I will never be as comfortable in myself with anyone else but him. I KNOW that I will love him for the rest of my life because I KNOW that he is everything I want and everything I didn't know I wanted until I met him! I KNOW we will have to put in a lot of work to maintain our relationship but none of this puts me off in the slightest. I KNOW that I will do whatever it takes to keep our relationship healthy and I will love him as much in 20 years as I do now, if not more. I KNOW that I am no longer myself but one half of a whole. I KNOW that I do not need a road test before committing to marriage, nor do I care for one!!!
At the moment I'm fed up with other people's opinions on what we should do with our lives. My mother, my work colleagues, my friends. As long as they are happy then I don't really care what they do with their lives, that is THEIR business. I just want the opportunity to be able to do what I want with mine! I want to shout and scream at people and say that I want our relationship to be holy in the eyes of God and to me that means not living together until we are married. I don't care if people call me old fashioned or traditional, its just ME! Let me BE me! The biggest mistakes I have made in my life have been because I have tried to please others instead of myself. I want to scream at people and say don't judge me, don't tell me what to do, don't make me make another mistake! Help me, help US if you can. If not then just support me, support US! Accept us and what we want. Let us live the lives we want to live, even if you don't agree with our decisions.
Well, that being said, who knows what road we will take for our futures. Things may not be ideal, we may not get exactly what we want, things may not be perfect but as long as there is a we then I will be happy.
OK, it's getting really close now to me being redundant (26th June) and moving down south to be with Martin. It's nail bitingly exciting and nerve racking stuff all at the same time. However it has NOT been easy and it is still proving difficult. I don't yet have a job to go to (and let me tell you it is not easy or fun in trying to find one!) and I'm getting a bit concerned. I want to put my redundancy money into the bank and use it for our wedding. Not that we are engaged YET but we are planning to get married. Taking redundancy was not an easy decision to make. It was one we deliberated over for months before the time slowly ebbed away and the pressure to make a decision was unavoidable. I COULD have stayed in the company doing something else, but that would not have made me happy. I COULD have found another job up here but also that would not have made me happy. I want to be with Martin, THAT will make me happy! I wonder if people understand how difficult it will be for me to leave my home and family, to leave everything that is familiar to me and start a new life hundreds of miles away. At times I feel selfish for wanting to leave but I also know it is the right decision.
So, as the time draws near, Martin and I are really struggling with the issue of living together before we are married. It is something that neither of us want but it seems like we may have very little choice. I will be keeping my flat going up here so it is not possible to rent somewhere for a while before we are married and Martin's parents are not keen on either of us living at theirs until we are married. So we find ourselves between a rock and a hard place.
Martin has been reading a lot recently about living together before marriage, looking for a definitive answer as to whether it is OK or not in the eyes of God. It seems clear to me that the only people who should be making this decision is US and we are both in agreement that we should not. It is something that is very important to us, something Martin was not sure was as important to me as it was to him. I think I have made it VERY clear that it is just as important and I hope he really does believe that. It is not something I am being pressured into at all and it is such a relief to have found someone who wants the same thing!
An article that Martin sent me speaks of how people want to try out marriage first by using cohabitation as an experiment to gauge how well they would get on and make sure it is the right decision first before committing to marriage. It likens the marriage ceremony to a confirmation and rightly so, that is all it seems to be because people will already have had the road test. That is essentially what it is, isn't it? It's like going to the car lot and taking the car that you have always wanted out for a test drive. What happens if you don't like the interior as much as the exterior? What happens if the brakes aren't as sharp as you expected them to be? Well, you don't HAVE to buy it, you can walk away!
It really saddens me that people do not have FAITH in their relationships, that they need PROOF before they will tie the knot! It seems people love each other enough to move in together but not enough to believe they are capable of domestic bliss without trying it out first. I don't believe that people have lost the capability to make a relationship work, but I believe they have lost the desire to. Relationships these days come and go as quickly as buses sometimes! I find myself not valuing the length of someones marriage until they reach their 40th wedding anniversary because by then, when you are THAT old, theres no point in getting a divorce!
Reading this article has not changed my opinion, merely strengthened it. I KNOW there will be days that I will want to strangle Martin for something as silly as using up the last of the milk or not putting the dishes in the sink, I KNOW that there will be times when I am grumpy and I will hurt his feelings without intending to do so. I KNOW there will be times that we will test each others patience and grate on each others nerves and need our own breathing space. BUT I also KNOW that there is no one on earth I would rather share these moments with, I KNOW that the good will out weigh the bad, I KNOW that I will be happier with Martin than with anyone else, happier than being alone. I KNOW that I will never love anyone more than I love Martin. I KNOW that no one can make me feel as loved or as special as he does. I KNOW that I will never be as comfortable in myself with anyone else but him. I KNOW that I will love him for the rest of my life because I KNOW that he is everything I want and everything I didn't know I wanted until I met him! I KNOW we will have to put in a lot of work to maintain our relationship but none of this puts me off in the slightest. I KNOW that I will do whatever it takes to keep our relationship healthy and I will love him as much in 20 years as I do now, if not more. I KNOW that I am no longer myself but one half of a whole. I KNOW that I do not need a road test before committing to marriage, nor do I care for one!!!
At the moment I'm fed up with other people's opinions on what we should do with our lives. My mother, my work colleagues, my friends. As long as they are happy then I don't really care what they do with their lives, that is THEIR business. I just want the opportunity to be able to do what I want with mine! I want to shout and scream at people and say that I want our relationship to be holy in the eyes of God and to me that means not living together until we are married. I don't care if people call me old fashioned or traditional, its just ME! Let me BE me! The biggest mistakes I have made in my life have been because I have tried to please others instead of myself. I want to scream at people and say don't judge me, don't tell me what to do, don't make me make another mistake! Help me, help US if you can. If not then just support me, support US! Accept us and what we want. Let us live the lives we want to live, even if you don't agree with our decisions.
Well, that being said, who knows what road we will take for our futures. Things may not be ideal, we may not get exactly what we want, things may not be perfect but as long as there is a we then I will be happy.
Tuesday, 19 February 2008
My really long testimony!!!
Well my testimony begins at age 7, (well roughly anyway) when I consider myself first saved. My next door neighbour whom I have known all my life introduced me to church and I will always love her for that and be grateful to God that she has been part of my life. I was friends with her niece Kirsty who used to stay with her at weekends. Despite staying next door we stayed at each others houses overnight, we went everywhere together, we were inseparable! Every Sunday she went to Church with her Aunt and pretty soon I tagged along! I can’t remember the details of the fist time I went to Church but I remember it changed my life. The primary school I went to was horrendous, I was constantly bullied and I hated it. I withdrew into myself and Church and God became my safe haven and I just loved being there! I remember when I was 10 we had been learning about baptism, and after Church I asked my mum if I had been baptised. I was horrified when she said no, I was convinced I’d go to hell and so in her words, I ‘had’ to be baptised to give her peace!!! I stayed pretty active in Church until I was about 15, when the peer pressure I’d managed to ignore throughout high school finally caught up with me.
I felt the need to get a part time job, (cos everyone else had one) and for the first year it was good. As soon as I left high school for college, things started to change. All my friends were in other parts of the country studying and despite good intentions we failed to keep in touch. I fell into bad crowds, people at college and from work, only I didn’t realise it at the time, and slowly over the years I rebelled against who I really was and changed bit by bit until I didn‘t recognise myself anymore. I drank very heavily, over ate, argued with my mum constantly until I moved out at age 18 because I couldn’t stand it any longer, I craved my independence! Having my own place gave me plenty of opportunity to get even more out of control. I missed classes, didn’t study, didn’t hand assignments in on time, I blagged my way through the first two years of college basically. I got myself totally sozzled 3 sometimes 4 nights a week, tried smoking and soft drugs, which I had always swore I‘d never EVER do. I wanted so much to fit in at the time that I started not to care about what ‘I‘ wanted. It was all too disgusting though so I stuck to drinking instead. I became incredibly selfish and convinced myself I could do anything I wanted, which I did regardless of who I hurt. I had some really bad relationships and made some really big mistakes. My 3rd year of college was quite difficult, I had pulled my socks just enough to pass but basically that’s all that changed, until I got my first job and entered the real world.
Employment to me was serious, where as college was a bit of a skive and a laugh something I didn’t take seriously enough and my part time job in a supermarket was even more of a joke! My first “real” job was just what I needed to start sorting myself out. I calmed down quite a lot, ditched the drinking and the so called friends who encouraged me to be reckless and persuaded me to do really stupid things! I’m not giving all the blame to them but back then I was easily led and not brave enough to stand up for myself, all I needed was a little push! Once I started to sort myself out, I slowly began to understand that I was actually ‘ok’. Not gorgeous or popular or skinny or a genius and far from perfect, not even close but I didn’t hate who I was anymore. It took years of making lots of big mistakes (that I’m still ashamed of), years of running away from who I was because I hated myself so much that I finally realised I had become someone I hated even more! Ironic really. Hindsight is a funny thing! So, I had made friends with myself, I had my flat, a good job, family life was pretty good by then, I had decent friends who actually cared about me and I stayed as far away from men as possible!!! I was in control and I knew what I wanted from life. I was back to being sensible, responsible and boring and I didn‘t give a monkeys if people didn‘t like the real me! I wasn’t going to hide who I was anymore and I was happy, but it wasn’t enough.
Something was missing. I had thought about going back to Church but I found I just couldn’t face it, I was too scared. I had managed to go to the watch night services at Christmas but that’s as far as I ever got. I procrastinated for 2 more years, but in 2004 I cracked. It was the worst year of my life so far, I hated my job, a close family member died, my mum who was out in Spain at the time lost the sight in one eye and had 2 operations which I couldn‘t be there for, I was a nervous wreck. I flooded my neighbours bathroom accidentally (which they weren‘t too happy about), I was in debt and then a stoopid boy broke my heart as well. At that point I knew I had had enough, it was too much in a short space of time, I was lost and broken and depressed, I finally admitted to myself that I needed God and that I had been ignoring him for too long. On 24th December 2004 I went to the watch night service and this time I knew I’d go back to church and I wouldn’t wait until 24th December 2005 to do it! 2005 was going to be a fresh start and in many ways was one of the best years of my life!
As soon as I started going back to church I very quickly began to feel alive. Even though I had changed many things in my life and was in a good place and happy, I still hated myself. This time not because of ‘who I was’ but because of what I had done, because of my sins. God started to heal me and bring peace. I felt so blessed! I regained the passion for life and people and the world I had lost. God stirred that up in me, brought me back to life. I was saved AGAIN and it was amazing! It was like the clock had turned back and I could feel that joy and peace and safety and love that I used to feel when I first started going to church age 7! I’d still turn the clock back and undo everything if I could but in a way, I’m happy that I’ve learned valuable lessons from the mistakes I made. I’ve learned about me and learned to be happy with who I am as a person. I’m still not gorgeous or skinny or popular, part of an ‘in’ crowd or a genius but I don’t care about any of those things, I really couldn‘t give a monkeys! I’m just ME and that is more than OK because God loves me as I am! I know I’m still not perfect, I have many flaws, I can be a selfish moody cow at times and get right up yer nose! (God still has his work cut out with me I tell ya!) I still make mistakes just little ones now though. God KNOWS I’ll make mistakes, as we all do but God loves US ALL despite our sins, and that is what overwhelms me! No matter what you do, no matter how much you hurt others, yourself and God, God forgives! We try and we fail, its part of human nature. People can be very unforgiving, but God has no limitations on how many times he will forgive our sins, as long as we are truly repentant! God will NEVER give up on us, even when we give up on ourselves. Now isn’t that something amazing!
I felt the need to get a part time job, (cos everyone else had one) and for the first year it was good. As soon as I left high school for college, things started to change. All my friends were in other parts of the country studying and despite good intentions we failed to keep in touch. I fell into bad crowds, people at college and from work, only I didn’t realise it at the time, and slowly over the years I rebelled against who I really was and changed bit by bit until I didn‘t recognise myself anymore. I drank very heavily, over ate, argued with my mum constantly until I moved out at age 18 because I couldn’t stand it any longer, I craved my independence! Having my own place gave me plenty of opportunity to get even more out of control. I missed classes, didn’t study, didn’t hand assignments in on time, I blagged my way through the first two years of college basically. I got myself totally sozzled 3 sometimes 4 nights a week, tried smoking and soft drugs, which I had always swore I‘d never EVER do. I wanted so much to fit in at the time that I started not to care about what ‘I‘ wanted. It was all too disgusting though so I stuck to drinking instead. I became incredibly selfish and convinced myself I could do anything I wanted, which I did regardless of who I hurt. I had some really bad relationships and made some really big mistakes. My 3rd year of college was quite difficult, I had pulled my socks just enough to pass but basically that’s all that changed, until I got my first job and entered the real world.
Employment to me was serious, where as college was a bit of a skive and a laugh something I didn’t take seriously enough and my part time job in a supermarket was even more of a joke! My first “real” job was just what I needed to start sorting myself out. I calmed down quite a lot, ditched the drinking and the so called friends who encouraged me to be reckless and persuaded me to do really stupid things! I’m not giving all the blame to them but back then I was easily led and not brave enough to stand up for myself, all I needed was a little push! Once I started to sort myself out, I slowly began to understand that I was actually ‘ok’. Not gorgeous or popular or skinny or a genius and far from perfect, not even close but I didn’t hate who I was anymore. It took years of making lots of big mistakes (that I’m still ashamed of), years of running away from who I was because I hated myself so much that I finally realised I had become someone I hated even more! Ironic really. Hindsight is a funny thing! So, I had made friends with myself, I had my flat, a good job, family life was pretty good by then, I had decent friends who actually cared about me and I stayed as far away from men as possible!!! I was in control and I knew what I wanted from life. I was back to being sensible, responsible and boring and I didn‘t give a monkeys if people didn‘t like the real me! I wasn’t going to hide who I was anymore and I was happy, but it wasn’t enough.
Something was missing. I had thought about going back to Church but I found I just couldn’t face it, I was too scared. I had managed to go to the watch night services at Christmas but that’s as far as I ever got. I procrastinated for 2 more years, but in 2004 I cracked. It was the worst year of my life so far, I hated my job, a close family member died, my mum who was out in Spain at the time lost the sight in one eye and had 2 operations which I couldn‘t be there for, I was a nervous wreck. I flooded my neighbours bathroom accidentally (which they weren‘t too happy about), I was in debt and then a stoopid boy broke my heart as well. At that point I knew I had had enough, it was too much in a short space of time, I was lost and broken and depressed, I finally admitted to myself that I needed God and that I had been ignoring him for too long. On 24th December 2004 I went to the watch night service and this time I knew I’d go back to church and I wouldn’t wait until 24th December 2005 to do it! 2005 was going to be a fresh start and in many ways was one of the best years of my life!
As soon as I started going back to church I very quickly began to feel alive. Even though I had changed many things in my life and was in a good place and happy, I still hated myself. This time not because of ‘who I was’ but because of what I had done, because of my sins. God started to heal me and bring peace. I felt so blessed! I regained the passion for life and people and the world I had lost. God stirred that up in me, brought me back to life. I was saved AGAIN and it was amazing! It was like the clock had turned back and I could feel that joy and peace and safety and love that I used to feel when I first started going to church age 7! I’d still turn the clock back and undo everything if I could but in a way, I’m happy that I’ve learned valuable lessons from the mistakes I made. I’ve learned about me and learned to be happy with who I am as a person. I’m still not gorgeous or skinny or popular, part of an ‘in’ crowd or a genius but I don’t care about any of those things, I really couldn‘t give a monkeys! I’m just ME and that is more than OK because God loves me as I am! I know I’m still not perfect, I have many flaws, I can be a selfish moody cow at times and get right up yer nose! (God still has his work cut out with me I tell ya!) I still make mistakes just little ones now though. God KNOWS I’ll make mistakes, as we all do but God loves US ALL despite our sins, and that is what overwhelms me! No matter what you do, no matter how much you hurt others, yourself and God, God forgives! We try and we fail, its part of human nature. People can be very unforgiving, but God has no limitations on how many times he will forgive our sins, as long as we are truly repentant! God will NEVER give up on us, even when we give up on ourselves. Now isn’t that something amazing!
Why I'm Blogging
Well, no particular reason other than that I've read a few friends blogs recently and been touched by what they have said about God! It might take me a while to write anything decent about God but I'll start with my testimony that's easy enough!!!!
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