My really long testimony!!!

Well my testimony begins at age 7, (well roughly anyway) when I consider myself first saved. My next door neighbour whom I have known all my life introduced me to church and I will always love her for that and be grateful to God that she has been part of my life. I was friends with her niece Kirsty who used to stay with her at weekends. Despite staying next door we stayed at each others houses overnight, we went everywhere together, we were inseparable! Every Sunday she went to Church with her Aunt and pretty soon I tagged along! I can’t remember the details of the fist time I went to Church but I remember it changed my life. The primary school I went to was horrendous, I was constantly bullied and I hated it. I withdrew into myself and Church and God became my safe haven and I just loved being there! I remember when I was 10 we had been learning about baptism, and after Church I asked my mum if I had been baptised. I was horrified when she said no, I was convinced I’d go to hell and so in her words, I ‘had’ to be baptised to give her peace!!! I stayed pretty active in Church until I was about 15, when the peer pressure I’d managed to ignore throughout high school finally caught up with me.

I felt the need to get a part time job, (cos everyone else had one) and for the first year it was good. As soon as I left high school for college, things started to change. All my friends were in other parts of the country studying and despite good intentions we failed to keep in touch. I fell into bad crowds, people at college and from work, only I didn’t realise it at the time, and slowly over the years I rebelled against who I really was and changed bit by bit until I didn‘t recognise myself anymore. I drank very heavily, over ate, argued with my mum constantly until I moved out at age 18 because I couldn’t stand it any longer, I craved my independence! Having my own place gave me plenty of opportunity to get even more out of control. I missed classes, didn’t study, didn’t hand assignments in on time, I blagged my way through the first two years of college basically. I got myself totally sozzled 3 sometimes 4 nights a week, tried smoking and soft drugs, which I had always swore I‘d never EVER do. I wanted so much to fit in at the time that I started not to care about what ‘I‘ wanted. It was all too disgusting though so I stuck to drinking instead. I became incredibly selfish and convinced myself I could do anything I wanted, which I did regardless of who I hurt. I had some really bad relationships and made some really big mistakes. My 3rd year of college was quite difficult, I had pulled my socks just enough to pass but basically that’s all that changed, until I got my first job and entered the real world.

Employment to me was serious, where as college was a bit of a skive and a laugh something I didn’t take seriously enough and my part time job in a supermarket was even more of a joke! My first “real” job was just what I needed to start sorting myself out. I calmed down quite a lot, ditched the drinking and the so called friends who encouraged me to be reckless and persuaded me to do really stupid things! I’m not giving all the blame to them but back then I was easily led and not brave enough to stand up for myself, all I needed was a little push! Once I started to sort myself out, I slowly began to understand that I was actually ‘ok’. Not gorgeous or popular or skinny or a genius and far from perfect, not even close but I didn’t hate who I was anymore. It took years of making lots of big mistakes (that I’m still ashamed of), years of running away from who I was because I hated myself so much that I finally realised I had become someone I hated even more! Ironic really. Hindsight is a funny thing! So, I had made friends with myself, I had my flat, a good job, family life was pretty good by then, I had decent friends who actually cared about me and I stayed as far away from men as possible!!! I was in control and I knew what I wanted from life. I was back to being sensible, responsible and boring and I didn‘t give a monkeys if people didn‘t like the real me! I wasn’t going to hide who I was anymore and I was happy, but it wasn’t enough.

Something was missing. I had thought about going back to Church but I found I just couldn’t face it, I was too scared. I had managed to go to the watch night services at Christmas but that’s as far as I ever got. I procrastinated for 2 more years, but in 2004 I cracked. It was the worst year of my life so far, I hated my job, a close family member died, my mum who was out in Spain at the time lost the sight in one eye and had 2 operations which I couldn‘t be there for, I was a nervous wreck. I flooded my neighbours bathroom accidentally (which they weren‘t too happy about), I was in debt and then a stoopid boy broke my heart as well. At that point I knew I had had enough, it was too much in a short space of time, I was lost and broken and depressed, I finally admitted to myself that I needed God and that I had been ignoring him for too long. On 24th December 2004 I went to the watch night service and this time I knew I’d go back to church and I wouldn’t wait until 24th December 2005 to do it! 2005 was going to be a fresh start and in many ways was one of the best years of my life!

As soon as I started going back to church I very quickly began to feel alive. Even though I had changed many things in my life and was in a good place and happy, I still hated myself. This time not because of ‘who I was’ but because of what I had done, because of my sins. God started to heal me and bring peace. I felt so blessed! I regained the passion for life and people and the world I had lost. God stirred that up in me, brought me back to life. I was saved AGAIN and it was amazing! It was like the clock had turned back and I could feel that joy and peace and safety and love that I used to feel when I first started going to church age 7! I’d still turn the clock back and undo everything if I could but in a way, I’m happy that I’ve learned valuable lessons from the mistakes I made. I’ve learned about me and learned to be happy with who I am as a person. I’m still not gorgeous or skinny or popular, part of an ‘in’ crowd or a genius but I don’t care about any of those things, I really couldn‘t give a monkeys! I’m just ME and that is more than OK because God loves me as I am! I know I’m still not perfect, I have many flaws, I can be a selfish moody cow at times and get right up yer nose! (God still has his work cut out with me I tell ya!) I still make mistakes just little ones now though. God KNOWS I’ll make mistakes, as we all do but God loves US ALL despite our sins, and that is what overwhelms me! No matter what you do, no matter how much you hurt others, yourself and God, God forgives! We try and we fail, its part of human nature. People can be very unforgiving, but God has no limitations on how many times he will forgive our sins, as long as we are truly repentant! God will NEVER give up on us, even when we give up on ourselves. Now isn’t that something amazing!

Why I'm Blogging

Well, no particular reason other than that I've read a few friends blogs recently and been touched by what they have said about God! It might take me a while to write anything decent about God but I'll start with my testimony that's easy enough!!!!